Here is the truth – I used to wear shorts and jeans size 3 and 5. A few years ago, when I was working out 4-5 times a week and eating high protein and low carb diet. 2 years ago when I stopped dieting (yes, keep reading) and started eating complex carbs and generally enjoy life while still leading a clean eating lifestyle, I slowly gained a few lbs. I’m not sure how much because I do not own a scale. I’m honestly scared for numbers to rule my life again, like calories did for years. It is not a healthy relationship between my body, my mind and my life.
Yes, my Eastern European mentality gets in a way of my own happy life at times because I was raised with “looks are important” mentality. And they are, to a certain extent. So, here I was chasing to be the leanest and skinniest ever, still to this day not sure what size I was after. But it was never enough! Even at size 3, I wasn’t a happy camper with my body because no abs, lose skin, too fat(?!). I know…
For the last year – year and a half, I wore only Lululemon and stretchy pants in hopes to finally get back to my previous weight, which I considered my optimal weight. I tried to do that about 20 times last year and all my efforts ended at dinner time when I was hungry without carbs and on the weekend when I NEEDED a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate to stay sane. I just couldn’t force myself to think of macros and count calories again.
I also grew over the last year. I accepted the light cellulite on my bum and realized that I was dieting for years under the “clean eating” umbrella. You can read my full story about how I stopped being afraid to eat and gain weight. I turned 35 and realized I can’t live like this till I die.
Hollister is Alex’s absolute favourite store to shop for clothes. I often wonder how much longer he will be able to pull it off. Like where is he gonna go next as life moves on?! Eddie Bauer?! Haha. Anyways, I adore Hollister’s jeans and shorts and “outgrew” most of my old ones. They were size 3!!! I didn’t wear jean shorts last summer at all and I missed them. Now, that we are going to tropics for a month and summer is around the corner, and after finally letting go off of all my carbs fears (almost – trust me, carbs fobia is quite an addiction!), I finally got brave enough and went to Hollister again and got myself 2 pairs of jeans (these and these) and 1 pair of shorts.
Size 7! Yes, that is my size. My real size at the age of 35, as a busy mother of 2, when I eat healthy, work out when I can, move around as much as I can without pressure to look a certain way. When I can go out for oysters and a glass of white wine with my husband and watch sunset without worrying about calories. Like we are not 15 anymore, what will I remember at 75? That I was depriving myself of life but was size 3?! I finally stopped anxiously thinking about “what will I eat next?”, “will there be enough protein for me?”, and “not too much carbs?!”.
Funny thing is this photo – 3 sizes, 1 inch difference in waist, visually literally the same. So, I guess I’m fine. I guess it’s not that bad. I guess we should live our lives in balance as long as we lead a healthy lifestyle and make good choices majority of time. Right?!
So, this is my honest post about my recent fear that I faced. It is so easy to look perfect online and social media these days, and I want to be true to myself and honest with you that I’m not just this online persona trying to look specific way for the blog. But rather to inspire more women to eat healthy, realize that our bodies are not supposed to be perfect like on Instagram (BUT neither they are supposed to have stomach rolls down to thighs – let’s be clear on that obesity nonsense) and enjoy life! Nobody and nothing is perfect which we need to know as human beings in order not too waste our lives looking for perfection.
I hope I will finally be happy with my size…You think?!
What size are your jeans and shorts?
P.S. Fast forward a week later, and here I am standing by Mexican Walmart wearing the same pictured above size 7 Hollister shorts. And what exactly was my issue for over a year?! See, how much is in our head and how much we are influenced by social media and overall perception. Don’t be scared to face the truth because it might not be as scary as you think!!!