Here is the truth – I used to wear shorts and jeans size 3 and 5. A few years ago, when I was working out 4-5 times a week and eating high protein and low carb diet. 2 years ago when I stopped dieting (yes, keep reading) and started eating complex carbs and generally enjoy life while still leading a clean eating lifestyle, I slowly gained a few lbs. I’m not sure how much because I do not own a scale. I’m honestly scared for numbers to rule my life again, like calories did for years. It is not a healthy relationship between my body, my mind and my life.
Yes, my Eastern European mentality gets in a way of my own happy life at times because I was raised with “looks are important” mentality. And they are, to a certain extent. So, here I was chasing to be the leanest and skinniest ever, still to this day not sure what size I was after. But it was never enough! Even at size 3, I wasn’t a happy camper with my body because no abs, lose skin, too fat(?!). I know…
For the last year – year and a half, I wore only Lululemon and stretchy pants in hopes to finally get back to my previous weight, which I considered my optimal weight. I tried to do that about 20 times last year and all my efforts ended at dinner time when I was hungry without carbs and on the weekend when I NEEDED a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate to stay sane. I just couldn’t force myself to think of macros and count calories again.
I also grew over the last year. I accepted the light cellulite on my bum and realized that I was dieting for years under the “clean eating” umbrella. You can read my full story about how I stopped being afraid to eat and gain weight. I turned 35 and realized I can’t live like this till I die.
Hollister is Alex’s absolute favourite store to shop for clothes. I often wonder how much longer he will be able to pull it off. Like where is he gonna go next as life moves on?! Eddie Bauer?! Haha. Anyways, I adore Hollister’s jeans and shorts and “outgrew” most of my old ones. They were size 3!!! I didn’t wear jean shorts last summer at all and I missed them. Now, that we are going to tropics for a month and summer is around the corner, and after finally letting go off of all my carbs fears (almost – trust me, carbs fobia is quite an addiction!), I finally got brave enough and went to Hollister again and got myself 2 pairs of jeans and 1 pair of shorts.
Size 7! Yes, that is my size. My real size at the age of 35, as a busy mother of 2, when I eat healthy, work out when I can, move around as much as I can without pressure to look a certain way. When I can go out for oysters and a glass of white wine with my husband and watch sunset without worrying about calories. Like we are not 15 anymore, what will I remember at 75? That I was depriving myself of life but was size 3?! I finally stopped anxiously thinking about “what will I eat next?”, “will there be enough protein for me?”, and “not too much carbs?!”.
Funny thing is this photo – 3 sizes, 1 inch difference in waist, visually literally the same. So, I guess I’m fine. I guess it’s not that bad. I guess we should live our lives in balance as long as we lead a healthy lifestyle and make good choices majority of time. Right?!
So, this is my honest post about my recent fear that I faced. It is so easy to look perfect online and social media these days, and I want to be true to myself and honest with you that I’m not just this online persona trying to look specific way for the blog. But rather to inspire more women to eat healthy, realize that our bodies are not supposed to be perfect like on Instagram (BUT neither they are supposed to have stomach rolls down to thighs – let’s be clear on that obesity nonsense) and enjoy life! Nobody and nothing is perfect which we need to know as human beings in order not too waste our lives looking for perfection.
I hope I will finally be happy with my size…You think?!
What size are your jeans and shorts?
P.S. Fast forward a week later, and here I am standing by Mexican Walmart wearing the same pictured above size 7 Hollister shorts. And what exactly was my issue for over a year?! See, how much is in our head and how much we are influenced by social media and overall perception. Don’t be scared to face the truth because it might not be as scary as you think!!!
WOW! Thank you so much for this! I have been facing my own life long battle with weight, carbs, dieting etc…Recently I have come to the conclusion that I need to get rid of my scale! Because really, what good is it doing me? If the number is up- I am in a bad mood for A LONG TIME! If it is down I have a fleeting moment of “happiness” that goes away as fast as it came. I have overcome a lot when it comes to my body, but the constant striving to be smaller and skinnier and lower on the scale, is always in the back of my mind if I am being honest with myself! I want and need to get to a place of TRUE acceptance- looking in the mirror and LOVING what I see. Developing healthy habits along the way, that include that glass of wine and dark chocolate every once in a while! LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
Yes. Majority of us have difficult time loving themselves as they are. I mean if we lead a healthy lifestyle, we should have nothing to complain about as our bodies will take care of themselves. Scale is damaging if you are so dependent on it. Get rid of it. It’s not OK to watch every lb. I just bought a scale out of curiosity to see how many lbs I would lose after my no wine for a month experiment. But I rarely go on it. I go by how clothes fits. DOn’t beat yourself up, it is pointless – our bodies are not supposed to have a six pack and everyone will have cellulite at certain age. I do.:)
You look fabulous! I would love to be a size 7 but we all have to accept ourselves the way we are as long as we are healthy. I think as we get older we get a little more perspective about life and gain more confidence. Even though I am heavier than I used to be, I feel much more confident at 42 than I did at 20. I love that you did this post and put yourself out there!
Thank you so much, Kayla! I agree 100%. As much as I would like to have my 20 year old body back without a single stretch mark and lighter, I am really enjoying where I am today mentally and financially lol. It is much more peaceful to be confident in majority of things you do and happy with yourself. And I think, even if you eat healthy, it is nearly impossible not to accumulate more weight because simple process – time: life, busy, less movement etc., it just adds on. Unless genetically you have a super fast metabolism, which doesn’t mean a skinny person is healthy. Thanks for being honest with me! I appreciate wisdom of confident women around me a lot. Love hearing your thoughts to learn and reassure my own self, also to become more confident.
Is! Is so difficult! It’s something that I will never give up trying to do. Self acceptance, I believe, is a big factor in overall general health. And I think that mental health for sure spills over into physical health! You go Olena, I think actually, you are on your way!
Woman’s mind is always racing, always. Part of being a female, we think too much. We all have our own mental health issues, we all do. It is how we choose to deal with them. Human’s brain is very complicated and everyone deals with life differently, and I hate to say but some people are luckier than others in the way their brain operates.:) But still life is beautiful – it is all about the big picture.
Ohh boy OLENA, you have opened a very large can of tuna, my friend! The way women view and respond to their bodies has so much to do with history! My raising left no room for satisfaction, ever. It is a fight to accept any tiny imperfections and at my age, 62, I imagine that it should look like it did when I was 16. My brain knows better, realistically, but my psyche plays tricks on me. I do understand that I am not average.
I hope for you, that your war is won finally! In reading, I have little plans of changing a lot, life long issues are more about acceptance and dealing with you have. And working with that.
I Halle to be really short! 5’2″ and usually a 0 fits though I don’t wear shorts or even Capri pants, because…old lady veins! I am paranoid of carbs too, and fats, but with your recipes I have been boing better. It’s just that when I include them, I tend to have some digestive issues…not much fun,
I am so proud of you! Breaking through those mental barriers are so difficult! And I would think from your photos that a size 7 is perfect for you! My goodness, have you stopped and looked around at other women your age? Most would LOVE to be as gorgeous and in a size 7!
I am starting to think it is a human’s nature to always look for more in life, because when we stop life becomes boring.:) I also think unhappiness with your own body in moderation is kind of a norm, everyone feels it to a certain degree, it is human’s nature to compete and compare. It is part of civilization and our society. I’m just trying to face my fears so I don’t miss out on life, and like to share it with other women because I know I’m not alone. I completely understand how you feel – self-conscious. I’m the same. That is why I will wear my Hollister shorts for a few more years while I can. I don’t think I can pull them off at 50.:)
Thank you for your kind words! I like to work on myself and I know what I can do and my limits. I try not to look around much and compare myself to others because I’m competing only with myself, really. Most women my age do not live lifestyle like mine, we can’t compare. And everyone is so different. I am happy with myself, just I am very self-conscious and do not like to show off cellulite if I have it. This is the way I am.:)
I think you are doing amazing, Laurel! After all the crazy ride you had, you are doing great! My own mother doesn’t eat as good as you and she has me but she won’t listen.